Its darkest just before dawn.

Three diwali’s ago I went on an adventure trip to Uttranchal. I was free for Diwali, and I did not want to spend it at home in meaningless parties and drinking sessions. This was during a time in life when I did not have much work to do, business was in a limbo with no way out visible in the near future. I was only teaching for two hours a day, and god knows how I would while away the rest of the day. But basically I was fed up of this no work lifestyle, and I wanted a physically exerting outing. So I decided to go trekking in Uttranchal. Now I really had no idea where to go for trekking, but I recalled seeing many tour guides advertising trekking in rishikesh. So I got on the bus to rishikesh at night and started my journey. I spent the night in getting there, and was there at 5 am in the morning. Once I got there I asked around for where I could go for trekking, and was told by some people there that most people go to uttarkashi for trekking. So I boarded a sumo going to uttarkashi, and I was there by lunchtime. But here also I didn’t get any definite information about trekking, and not wanting to spend the night at town I decided to start walking on the road leading our of town in the hope of finding something interesting on my way. After about an hour of walking I reached the forrest department outpost, and I asked the person on duty for advice on how I could trek. He told me a place where I could go, and also got me a transport for getting there. I reached what you could call a base camp. Basically it was a place with a few shops, and the tarred road ended there. The rest of the way to the start of the trek was on foot. By this time it was probably 5 in the evening. I asked people, and they told me to walk up to the village through the kachha route, and stay there for the night, and the next day I could start the trek first thing in the morning. I then started walking on the path to the village.


The path was all uphill, and it was basically a narrow road made of stones that was winding around the hill. When I started it was still light, but within half hour it started to become dark. I was following some locals also going to the village, though their speed was much faster so they left me behind in no time. At this time I reached a fork in the road. Not knowing which way lead to the village, I decided to gamble on one route, which I intuitively felt would be the likely route. Soon it was totally dark, and though I was slightly worried, but not overly so. In the distance I could see some lights and I assumed that was the village and I would eventually reach it. And so I kept walking. But then after an hour of walking, I realised I was going away from the lights, and the lights were probably in the next hill. Then I got scared. I started walkling faster, cos I did not want to get lost in the middle of nowhere. There was no sign of civilisation anywhere on that hill except for at one place there seemed to be some sort of low shelter made of tarpaulin and wood. I made a note of that thinking that I must be ready to sleep here for the night in the worst case scenario. Now I turned on my mobile to illuminate the path ahead. I had started tripping probably because I was scared and walking fast. And all the time there were these conflicting thoughts going on in my mind.

One series of thoughts was visualising myself lost in the middle of nowhere with no food, a little water and no one around to hear me. I was terrified about what I would do if I didn’t come across the village soon. I would hear an occasional rustling in the bushes and that made me even more scared. I even started shouting “koi hai” and “hello” after every minute or so in the hope of finding some civilisation.

Another series of thoughts was telling me to not worry. So what if no one finds me at night, I have a shawl with me in my bag. I will go back to that shelter, wear the shawl and sleep there for night. Someone will surely find me in the morning.

And finally there was a third thought in which I was actually praying to God to get me out of this situation. Now those of you who know me, will know that I am close to being an atheist in this matter. For me god is not an external force, but it is a force inside me which will make my destiny happen. So I never pray to a God because I feel that my God is within me making things happen to lead me to my destiny. But such was the level of my helplessness and fear that I was actually praying to a God up there to help me out of this situation. That was a truly unique experience for me cos it had never happened before.

Shortly after that I saw some signs of civilisation – farmed slopes, and soon I reached houses and I realised that I had reached the village. The rest of the story was as expected. I slept there the night, went trekking to a lake the next day. It was around 16km to the lake, and around 13km to a camp. I managed to reach camp by evening, and stayed there for the night. That was the coldest night of my life. It got so cold there that I could not sleep all night, was just shivering all night long. In the morning I was that all the water in the puddles had become ice overnight. We started back, and that evening I was back in the town looking for a way to reach Rishikesh. By that time I had run short of money, and people helped out time and again by letting me pay less than normal rate etc. I finally reached home that night at around 3-4am.

But that trip was eventful for two reasons. The first was that I discovered that no matter how bleak things look, if you keep going, you will reach the light. I was so scared of never reaching civilisation, of getting lost etc etc, but in the end I kept going and reached my destination. The other thing I discovered was that at the peak of the trip, i.e. when I was trekking towards the lake – safely with a guide, and having survived the scare of the previous day, I felt empty. I had no one to share it with, that made the accomplishment seem less than what it was. I realised that I needed somebody to share my life with for me to enjoy my accomplishments fully.

Now why I was reminded of this trip was because the last few weeks have been like the last half hour of that journey towards the village. I have been terrified that I will not be able to sustain the business, that I will have to shut shop, that this whole venture will have been a failure, and though I keep telling myself that it is not the end of life for me, I can still get a good job and have a good career, but still the prospect of failure has been looming large, and really scares me. I have also started praying to God in most desperate moments. I ask God to help me weather this storm, to let me take the business through this rough patch. And again, I have never prayed to God since that one time in Uttranchal. Does this mean I am becoming a believer? Or does it mean that I become a believer when I am shit scared and helpless? I would probably remember God again if something happened to my future wife, child, and I was helpless to do anything about it.

Well, I think I will spend my whole answering this question – is there a God?

Note to reader:
Please give feedback if the starting is too lengthy. I wasn’t sure if I should put in so many details about how how I landed up at Uttarkashi.