Life is a roller coaster, just gotta ride it!
We’re getting closer, and yet I am just as unsure as I ever was about her feelings for me. I so badly want her to want me the way I want her. I want her to need me the way I need her. I know that it will the best experience of my life if she chooses to give herself to me. But I am so unsure about her feelings right now.
Yesterday was strange. On the one hand it felt good that she had developed enough comfort and confidence in me to cry in front of me, and yet I also felt bad cos she was so much in love with him, and she was mourning so much for him. It was so painful to see her hurt and not being able to do anything about it. Will I be able to give her the happiness that she deserves? Will I ever be able to fill the void that he has created? Will I ever be able to make her feel as special as he did? Will she ever love me as much? I am so afraid that he will want to come back into her life and then I will have no standing, no position in her life.
How can she just take control of my emotions so completely? I think it is because I want her to. I so badly want to give myself to somebody. I am so tired of fighting alone. I want a partner. I want someone to look after, and be looked after by. I want someone to make my life warm and intimate and meaningful. Why do I feel that my life is not full without a woman? Why must I be so needy?
And while I am truly going through a roller coaster ride, I think it is better to feel all this conflict of emotions and mix of pain and joy rather than not feel anything. So for that I am grateful to her for bringing up all these emotions.
This just struck me - what do u think about me writing all my feelings on such a public forum? Does it turn u off? I know u won't ask me to stop, but does it make u even a little bit uncomfortable?
Yesterday was strange. On the one hand it felt good that she had developed enough comfort and confidence in me to cry in front of me, and yet I also felt bad cos she was so much in love with him, and she was mourning so much for him. It was so painful to see her hurt and not being able to do anything about it. Will I be able to give her the happiness that she deserves? Will I ever be able to fill the void that he has created? Will I ever be able to make her feel as special as he did? Will she ever love me as much? I am so afraid that he will want to come back into her life and then I will have no standing, no position in her life.
How can she just take control of my emotions so completely? I think it is because I want her to. I so badly want to give myself to somebody. I am so tired of fighting alone. I want a partner. I want someone to look after, and be looked after by. I want someone to make my life warm and intimate and meaningful. Why do I feel that my life is not full without a woman? Why must I be so needy?
And while I am truly going through a roller coaster ride, I think it is better to feel all this conflict of emotions and mix of pain and joy rather than not feel anything. So for that I am grateful to her for bringing up all these emotions.
This just struck me - what do u think about me writing all my feelings on such a public forum? Does it turn u off? I know u won't ask me to stop, but does it make u even a little bit uncomfortable?
posted by philosopher stoned | 3:51 AM
3 Comments:
i face this delima frequently when going through your blog. i realize iam not the intended audience and that makes me slighly queasy. so i leave a lot of these blogs without a comment eventhough i might have something i feel like saying.
Well, I'm quite an exhibitionist. Do u think I would have put this up on a blog and made it available for the whole world to read if I wanted to keep it private or keep it to myself. I crave feedback for everything I write. It makes me feel like the writing has been worthwhile if I get feedback on it or on me based on it. So don't hesitate.
Ur an exhibitionist, huh ;)? Interesting.. One cud def work with that! Hehe..
Post a Comment
<< Home