Guilt
This is something that’s been writing itself in my mind for some time now, but just haven’t had the timwe to sit down and write it. Its been a terribily busy week, my business was on the verge of shutdown on Monday, and it came back to life yesterday (Thursday). One more week. That’s pretty much how the business is surviving – one more week after another. But I’m quite upbeat about sustainability now.
Now coming to the topic, recently M called me her hero and I was instantly reminded of this.
I was probably in class 2nd or 3rd or 4th. We were assigned seats by the teacher where we had to sit everyday. Her name was Ali. She used to sit next to me. We were good buddies, the way a boy and a girl can be buddies without any attraction coming in between. Of course we were probably too young to know better. If I try to visualise her, I see someone with a darkish complexion, and a mature face. Not a looker or anything. I remember we used to share stuff like pencils sharpners etc, and also we probably helped each other in studies, though I honestly do not remember much of her except for that incident.
As was bound to happen, our friendship started getting teased by our neighbours. I don’t know if they teased her or only the boys teased me, but I do remember feeling embarrassed. And that day, after the school had ended and we were boarding our buses back home, I remember walking alone to the bus back home. I think I must’ve been mostly a loner at that time too. And then I saw Ali sitting in her bus. It was not the normal big sized bus, but a smaller size one. She was sitting on the window seat. And I don’t know why, but I picked up a stone and hurled it towards her. I was some distance away from her bus, and for a second or two nothing happened. And then I heard the sound of glass shattering, and she screamed and a couple of other children also screamed. I don’t remember what happened next, but it seemed that I had thrown the stone quite accurately and she narrowly escaped getting hurt. Ali was not the type to get hysterical or take something like this lying down. She immediately complained and accused another person in our class – NB. NB apparently had threatened her and had been troubling her for a while and she assumed that it must’ve been her. She could not even think that it might have been me. And finally as the buses were pulling away, I saw that NB was being dragged screaming and kicking and crying to the principal’s office. His parents were called, and he didn’t come to school for a day or two. I think his parents were of the cruel variety and would not have believed his protests of innocence and he must’ve been terribily punished.
Later that evening, as I was watching TV, there was an interview of a Cop, I think it was Kiran Bedi, and I got terrified. I thought that she knew about my crime and she would come to arrest me tonight. I think I have been a bit afraid of cops ever since. From what I remember, our seats were changed a few days later, and I never maintained any sort of friendship with Ali. And Ever since I’ve also been carrying this guilt over what I had done, and have always felt bad because of it
Now coming to the topic, recently M called me her hero and I was instantly reminded of this.
I was probably in class 2nd or 3rd or 4th. We were assigned seats by the teacher where we had to sit everyday. Her name was Ali. She used to sit next to me. We were good buddies, the way a boy and a girl can be buddies without any attraction coming in between. Of course we were probably too young to know better. If I try to visualise her, I see someone with a darkish complexion, and a mature face. Not a looker or anything. I remember we used to share stuff like pencils sharpners etc, and also we probably helped each other in studies, though I honestly do not remember much of her except for that incident.
As was bound to happen, our friendship started getting teased by our neighbours. I don’t know if they teased her or only the boys teased me, but I do remember feeling embarrassed. And that day, after the school had ended and we were boarding our buses back home, I remember walking alone to the bus back home. I think I must’ve been mostly a loner at that time too. And then I saw Ali sitting in her bus. It was not the normal big sized bus, but a smaller size one. She was sitting on the window seat. And I don’t know why, but I picked up a stone and hurled it towards her. I was some distance away from her bus, and for a second or two nothing happened. And then I heard the sound of glass shattering, and she screamed and a couple of other children also screamed. I don’t remember what happened next, but it seemed that I had thrown the stone quite accurately and she narrowly escaped getting hurt. Ali was not the type to get hysterical or take something like this lying down. She immediately complained and accused another person in our class – NB. NB apparently had threatened her and had been troubling her for a while and she assumed that it must’ve been her. She could not even think that it might have been me. And finally as the buses were pulling away, I saw that NB was being dragged screaming and kicking and crying to the principal’s office. His parents were called, and he didn’t come to school for a day or two. I think his parents were of the cruel variety and would not have believed his protests of innocence and he must’ve been terribily punished.
Later that evening, as I was watching TV, there was an interview of a Cop, I think it was Kiran Bedi, and I got terrified. I thought that she knew about my crime and she would come to arrest me tonight. I think I have been a bit afraid of cops ever since. From what I remember, our seats were changed a few days later, and I never maintained any sort of friendship with Ali. And Ever since I’ve also been carrying this guilt over what I had done, and have always felt bad because of it
posted by philosopher stoned | 11:13 AM
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