Calling

Long time no see. Some quick updates: I recently joined bharatmatrimony.com whichis obviously a matrimonial site. And you must be wondering why, after paying for shaadi.com two times without any success why am I doing it again? I guess hope floats. So on it I met an amazing woman. She's a year older than me, but she took the first step and contacted me, and initially I was like, she seems to be a cool babe. She was slim, good features, articulate, intelligent, overall a good package and I responded, and then the next morning, I googled her name and I discovered a TV interview of hers, it seems that she was one of the lawyers who argued the case for repealing section 377 to give freedom to gays. I was blown away! And I have been desperately waiting for her to answer my mails for the last two days. I don't know why, but this babe seems too good to be true. She's passionate, driven, wants to do something big with her life, and besides that she is beautiful and intelligent, and at the same time she also seems vulnerable to me. But I think I am just getting too carried away right now. I think I am writing this post in the hope that she will read it and come to know how deeply she has affected me.

Why am I getting so desperate? Where has my equanimity and Mr. cool guy image gone? Why am I not able to take this thing as casually as I do with most other things? Hell, I am ot so desperate for a college contract, and I actually need that more badly in my life right now than marriage, but I guess I am more desperate to get married.

I really wish and hope that she is the one. I so badly want to be with someone who is driven by a desire to do more than just make money nad live comfortably. Someone who values my drive to do more. Someone socially consciouss, someone who is not dead to the world around us. She calls herself a movie fanatic, and that also excites me a lot. Oh I can already imagine life with her.

Damn, I need to get out of this desperation. I know it for a fact that as long as I am needy for love, I will never get it. As long as I am looking for a woman to complete me, I will always be incomplete. And the worst thing is that some day this post might be read by another woman who is not she, and then how would she feel?

And one last thing, why did I cal th posting the calling. Its because I was wondering, did she choose human rights as her calling? and that got me thinking, did I choose English training as my calling? And to be honest, I didn't. It was more a case of it chooosing me rather than the other way around. And I think that is the case in most cases. Our calling chooses us rather than we choosing it. Was it the case with MK Gandhi also?

The beggar Girl

As I stopped my car at a red light, I was inevitably surrounded by beggars and peddlers. While the peddlers were easy enough to get rid off, there was one girl who was particularly tenacious and eagle eyed. She had immediately spotted the oranges next to my seat and was begging for them. 

As a principal, I never give money or objects to beggars, even children because I know that they have been put there by adults who push them to get what they can and then take it from them. So each time I give money to a beggar, I make it lucrative for an adult to push a child into begging. And so with this water-tight logic in mind, I am able to be impervious to most beggars. And yet, for some reason, I can’t forget her asking for the orange. 

Why didn’t I give the orange? I later justified to myself that she would probably have had to give it to the guy who had pushed her into begging, and would not have had it herself. But I can’t forget this incident. I wish there was something more I could do for them than just theorising and blogging about it. 

I wish I had given that beggar girl the orange irrespective of my principals. 

Where do u holiday when u already live in paradise?

My life is beautiful. I find so much beauty in my life, I just want to celebrate it. I want to just get lost in it. In the morning when I step out of my flat and start cycling towards office, the first thing I see as I am exiting my society is a lush green field, or sometimes it is of a wheatish color with green behind it. Yes, there is a farm just opposite my society, and it is pure heaven to be greeted by it sight every morning. I cycle parallel to the farm. In the morning these days it is a bit chilly and sometimes cloudy. The sky is beautiful. But five minutes into my cycling, I am cycling furiously and focusing on breathing rhythmically. By the time I reach office I have cycled for 5 kms and my body is well pumped with the blood flowing throughout like an efficient machine. I then eat a few bananas to give fuel to my body.

 

Around one-thirtey, I am again cycling back to my home. But at this time the sun is high and sharp, though sometimes I might get lucky and it is a cloudy day with a nip in the wind. Once at home, I cook myself some dal and subji, and I personally feel that my dal is amongst the best I have ever tasted. It is simply divine. After finishing the meal, I just sit for a few minutes in awe and satisfaction and gratefulness for eating such a wonderful meal. I feel well nourished and then I nap for about 30 minutes. By the time I head back for office again, it is time for the sun to set. And I see the sun going lower and lower in the horizon, and the sky changes hues from blue to a purple to orange, and I see the sun hiding behind tall building and I see half constructed building through which the sun shines through. And I am lost in the beauty of the setting sun and of greater noida. After reaching office I again take classes.

 

 

I get free around 8.30, and if it is a bit chilly, then I will walk home. It’s a 5 km walk, and I put on some music and walk with a song in my step and a state of thoughtlessness in my mind. Of course I do think while walking, but I can never remember what I was thinking about when I finish walking. On the days when it is hot, I will cycle home at top speed and then change and go out for running. I run for 3-5 kms, and at the end of the run I feel exhilarated. My whole body feels like a machine working to perfection, my heart pumping away strongly, sending blood to all my body parts, especially my legs. And the muscles of my legs contracting and expanding perfectly, my breath following a rhythm, and it is almost a trance like state of being. I run with music, and as the music speeds and fades, so do I. 

On some other days I will go to the gym and workout my upper body. Initially I never used to go to the gym, but after I started going, I look much better in terms of an overall look, it feels nice to have some firmness in my muscles. And finally there will be days when I will do none of the above, and I will find it hard to sleep at night and I will wake up next morning and feel fat the whole of next day. This also happens about once a week.

 

So now my question is that when u are already living such a perfect life, and the place where you live seems as good as aparadise, then where do you holiday? You either meet some family member or friend, or go out and explore new cultures in the hope of expanding your horizons and growing.  And I always feel so good coming back home after a holiday. Sometimes being away for a while can help one renew the love for a loved one. 

The cyclist

Once I was a bike-user. I used to own a bullet (a 350 cc monster). I was an MBA from MDi Gurgaon. I was well qualified, I was young, I was well paid. One night as I was driving home after dinner with some friends, I cyclist came out of nowhere and I braked hard and yet ended up hitting him and I fell off my bike and got bruised. I cursed the cyclist and muttered to myself – these godamn cyclists are so rash and lawless, they ought to be forbidden from using the roads.

 

Then I became an entrepreneur. Then I became poor. Then I became desperate. Then I sold my bullet and bought a cycle and became a cyclist. And one night, I was cycling home, I took the usual route to my home which involved going on the wrong side of the road, and there out of nowhere a speeding biker came and the inevitable happened and he hit me. And I picked myself up, and he picked himself up and after a few minutes of dispute and contention, we parted ways. And I was limping home, I muttered to myself - these godamn bikers are so rash and callous, they ought to be forbidden from using the roads

 

~Inspired by Kahlil Gibran.

 

 

Change of perspective

I recently graduated from owning a cycle to owning a car. Of course I still own a cycle and will continue to do so life long, but there's a big difference between cycling to office despite having a car at home and cycling to office because a cycle is all u have. And the car I shifted to is a honda City.

To start with, let me say what a pleasure it is to drive a honda city. It is such a comfortable car, I can now understand why people get to hung up on their cars. Of course I can't say I have a love affair with my car, but suffice to say that I depend on it and care about it and want it to continue giving me trouble free performance.

Now the funny thing I have noticed after I started using a car is how people's attitudes towards me has changed. I am suddenly a big car owner. People have started giving me more respect. More people come up to me to say hi or generally make conversation. People stare at me when I drive my car into the parking lot, its like they can't believe I have shifted from riding a cycle to driving a big car. My maid asked me for money for sweets. My landlord commented - I've heard that you drive a big car now! The college I go to for teaching, I get more respect from the other teachers there. It is so amazing! The amount of difference that your mode of transport can make on the amount of respect you get.

I am however grateful to whoever/whatever is up there for the experience of being without any motorised form of transport. If I had just graduated to owning a car from owning a bike without being vehicle-less in between, I would have never had the strong urge in me of helping other people who are vehicle-less. I used to stand in bus stops and try to hitch rides from people who would be travelling in their cars all alone, I used to vow to myself that I would never waste the space available in my car like that and I would give a lift to other people whenever I could. And I feel happy that today I am able to give lifts to people waiting in bus stops like I used to wait once. I read in an article somewhere that doing a random act of kindness daily significantly boosts your hapiness level. And it is true!

Confession: I just could not write this peice from my heart. All the while I was writing this, I was imagining some young eligible girl reading it and hence there was a subtle effort at showing myself in a positive light. But this peice has been going on in my mind for many days, I really wanted to explore the change in perspective in my life after getting a car. There has of course been a change in other's attitudes towards me, but what about my own change in perspective? Well, for one thing, I can no longer imagine travelling by buses. It just seems like such a waste of time and effort. Right now, I can transport myself from greater noida to delhi in almost the same money I used to spend on busses and autos earlier. Does this mean I am getting soft? Maybe, but it definitely means I am getting older - more demanding of luxuries and not so willing to rough it out anymore. More on other changes in me soon.

Learning by Crisis

Every year like clockwork my business goes through a period of crisis and I emerge from it a changed man, and hopefully wiser and stronger than before, though sometimes I think I also emerge more jaded and cynical from it. The first year my business had a crisis, I ended up selling my bike and switching to a cycle. A bullet was too expensive to run, and I needed the cash for paying rent and salaries. So bad was my cash situation that I was on the verge of closure. I did not have money to pay salaries and rent. So my kind and sweet little brother who was working in an MNC with a decent salary at that time decided to buy it from me (at a much higher than market price). That was a life changing decesion for me, and it made me a slim 30" waist atheletic man from an obese 40" wiast fatso. Maybe what I learned from that episode was the importance of being lean and self sufficient. I learnt to manage very well with just a cycle as my means of transport.

Then the second crisis hit a year later and I learned how wasteful I was being and how I was being overly idealistic in my expenses. I was spending money on a guard (for safety of my employees) an office boy (for cleaning etc.) and was paying a very high rent for a spacious office. I was so badly hit by those expenses that I thought I was going to have to shut shop. I was overdue in my payment by more than 2 months, but luckily for me my core employees stood by me and supported me and encouraged me and I came out of it wiser about controlling costs and having learned the value of frugality. 

The third crisis is hitting me currently. I am two months overdue on salaries and am not able to see any way out of it. I am again thinking that I am on the verge of closure, or maybe changing my business model to shut down our retail centre which is sucking in a lot of money. I don't know how I will emerge out of this crisis. I do hope for the best, but at the same time I am constantly worried. Am not able to relax. Have all but stopped watching movies, have cut back on all leisure activities that require me to spend money. Have stopped coming home in the afternoon for a leisurly lunch and an afternoon nap. I instead work through lunch and take a nap in the office itself. I am worried, but I now as I write down my past experiences, I also feel a calmer. I've survived similar crisis before, I'll survive this one too. And hopefully will come out of it wiser.

But will I come out of it older? with more of my innocence lost? With some more cycnisism in me? With less of my youthfulness? I do feel significantly older since this crisis started. I feel like I've aged 5 years in just 5 weeks. I've not been able to exercise as much as I would like to because I am spending all my spare time on work. Maybe that is also making me feel less youthful. But I do hope that these crisis' change me for the better and not for the worse.

The Last Trek

I normally like to travel during Diwali time. I hate the smoke and pollution in the city and normally it is easy to take holidays at that time as business is slow. In the diwali of probably 2004 or 05 when I was running a business with my friends, I decided to get away from the city and home and friends for a holiday alone. I was travelling alone probably because I had no significant other in my life, and because I was running my business with friends, so I wanted to a break from them too. I had no destination in mind except for a desire to go trekking. I had heard that there was trekking around rishikesh, so without any firm plans in my mind, I just boarded a bus for rishikesh at night and at 5am in the morning, I was at rishikesh. There after some enquiries, some people told me to go to uttarkashi for trekking. And I again took the next available transport to uttarkashi which was a shared sumo. On reaching uttarkashi, I roamed around a bit, asked around about trekking and received some vague answers. Then I decided to take up a room in a lodge there for the day as it was around afternoon by that time. But I did not want to stay in the main town, so I started walking on the main road going out of town.

After walking a while I came across a forest dept outpost. There I again asked about trekking and he told me about a village where I could stay for the night and start trekking the next day. I again took a shared jeep to the point where the proper road ended and the way ahead was through a kachchi road winding through the mountains. By this time it was almost 5pm. I asked some people the way to village and how much walking was required etc. They told me that I should be able to make it to the village before it becomes dark (of course they were assuming I could walk as fast as a pahari) and I started off on the path. It was a rocky path going up and down the mountainside. There was a fork in the path somewhere in first half and I took a chance on which path to follow. Soon it became darker and darker till I could see the stars and the moon in the sky, but I could not see the village at all. At this stage I really stared panicking and it was one of the few times in my life I talked to god and asked him to help me. I was not even sure I was on the right path. what if I had taken the wrong path? This thought kept going on in my mind. initially I could see some lights in the distance and the path seemed to be going towards those lights, but then the path turned away and that was when I really started panicking. Of course in the back of my mind was this thought that "its ok, in a worst case scenario I will spend the night somewhere here in the path. I have a shawl to keep me warm." But naturally I was afraid.

I was also afraid that what if I fall or something due to the darkness. But in the end I saw some lights in the distance and as they came closer I realised that I was nearing civilisation and I felt so relieved. The first person I saw, I asked him if this was a village and if I could stay the night here. He told me yes and I was so relieved.

So anyways I slept there that night and the next day I set out on the trek. The trek was everything I had imagined it to be, high peaks, dense forest, a waterfall on the way, complete silence. Undoubtedly beautiful. I spent that night in a camp in a place so high that the water had frozen overnight. I naturally hadn't planned for anything that cold, and I was shivering all through the night in a sleeping bag the trek guide had provided to me. It was a really uncomfortable night and I was really glad to see the sun rise the next day. And to make things worse, sleeping bag had bed bugs and I had to visit the doctor when I came back to delhi.

The journey back to delhi was no less interesting. I had almost run out of money at the end of the trek and this was the time when ATMs were not so freely available and I was anyway out of a job and hence was living on limited means. I was again afraid that if I don't find a way to get back to delhi, how will I stay the night here because I had just about enough money for the journey back. But by some stroke of luck I managed. The last cab out of Uttarkashi was supposed to be at 5, and I reached there at 5:30. Luckily for me there was an oppertunistic driver who was willing to make the late trip at a higher cost, though he agreed to charge less from me after I told him I couldn't pay him so much cos I was out of cash. Once in Delhi, the bus cunducter for the bus from station to home also agreed to take only Rs.6 instead of usual fare of 10, and that was the last 6 rupees in my pocket. I literally arrived home with empty pockets! But it felt great to have reached home under such circumstances. It gave me a sense of confidence that I can survive even in the toughest of conditions with almost no money.

That was a learning experience for me in many other ways too. The most important learning I had was when I was climbing the kucha road in the mountain at night without any hope of ever reaching civilisation. I was scared shitless and didn't what would happen. I even prayed to God for helping me out of the situation in the back of my mind, even though I don't believe in praying to God. But when I finally reached civilisation, I realised that when one is facing tough times, the thing to do is to just keep on going and eventually you will see the light :) And I always think of this whenever I am going through a tough time - that this too will eventually pass. I also learned the importance of following the flow of the universe. I just went from one place to the next without any definite plan and eventually ended up where I wanted to go and learned the things I needed to learn. And although the trek was beautiful, what I really felt the most during the trek was not peace but loneliness. I wanted to be with that someone special with whom I could share the beauty and the peace of that place. I have not been on a trek since. I also realised that I no longer want to rough it out so much and I prefer some creature comforts like a clean bed and a bathroom at the very least! So now although I still love to travel, I travel more to places where my friends are staying so that I can meet up and stay with old friends in comfort while also getting the experience of travelling at the same time.

Is there a God?

Once upon a time long long ago I used to believe in God, though not very strongly. At that time my prayer used to be" Thank you for everything God, help me help myself"

Then as I grew physically and mentally, I began to question religion and God and declared myself an atheist by the time I entered college. During my MBA that belief was only reinforced by reading Ayan Rand. Though I also started believing strongly in spirituality thanks to Richard Bach, and I wrote about my beliefs on God when I first started writing this blog (http://woman-lover.blogspot.com/2006_03_01_archive.html)

But now it seems that my beliefs about God are still undergoing changes. I am going through a very tough time in my business. I am literally with my back to the wall. I can so easily end up shutting shop, I am so precariously close to the edge of darkness. And in this time of difficulty I find myself calling out to God to help me. I don't do it consciously, but I know that somewhere in the back of my mind I feel helpless and am asking God for help. But I also feel like I shouldn't be asking him for help. It is a sign of weakness. It means that I don't have enough faith on my own abilities. I also criticise myself for double standards. When I am successful, I do not remember God and attribute my success only to my own abilities. And when I am in need, then I change track and start believing in God. I really don't know, maybe the hard times I am going through is God's way of reminding me of his presence? But then, didn't I chose these hard times myself? I knew what I was in for when I quit a stable job for starting business.

Is there any use of praying? if I am destined to succeed, then I will. No amount of praying can change the inevitable. But still, I pray when I feel particularly terrified. Why?

Is there a God? And the answer is I don't know. But more importantly - should I believe in the presence of a God? Is it a belief that will make me feel stronger? Or is it a crutch to help me face the storms of life. Is it true what Karl Marx famously said - religion is the opium of the masses. I don't know. But I do know that I am no longer disdainful of people who are religious. There was a time when I used to pity the poor fools who delude themselves into believing that there is a kind and just God and everything that happens in this world is due to his will. But I can empathise better with them. I can understand where this desire to believe in a God stems from.

Where are you?

In a sense, everything I have done in my life till now has been for you. For your love, my perfect soulmate. Every change that happened in me was triggered by you. For your love, I strived to be a better man again and again. I strived to grow and develop to be worthy of you. But I am so tired of striving alone. I want to keep growing, I don’t want to become secure and stop growing. But I also feel so lonely. I feel an acute sense of loss, like I have lost a loved one. Except you were never with me to start with, but still your memory has been with me since forever. I remember you, and have remembered you ever since I became mature.

And yet you remain so elusive. I wonder if I am destined to feel this way forever. Forever trying to find an elusive soulmate. Forever lonely, living in your memory. I have a theory – the thing that you desire the most is the thing that will elude you the most. The moment it stops mattering, it will fall into your lap on its own. So the question is how to get over the feeling of loneliness on my own. I think as long as I am lonely for a soulmate, I will never find her. I will imagine her in every girl I get on talking terms with her, and will hence not be able to really be just good friends to start with.