Is there a God?

Once upon a time long long ago I used to believe in God, though not very strongly. At that time my prayer used to be" Thank you for everything God, help me help myself"

Then as I grew physically and mentally, I began to question religion and God and declared myself an atheist by the time I entered college. During my MBA that belief was only reinforced by reading Ayan Rand. Though I also started believing strongly in spirituality thanks to Richard Bach, and I wrote about my beliefs on God when I first started writing this blog (http://woman-lover.blogspot.com/2006_03_01_archive.html)

But now it seems that my beliefs about God are still undergoing changes. I am going through a very tough time in my business. I am literally with my back to the wall. I can so easily end up shutting shop, I am so precariously close to the edge of darkness. And in this time of difficulty I find myself calling out to God to help me. I don't do it consciously, but I know that somewhere in the back of my mind I feel helpless and am asking God for help. But I also feel like I shouldn't be asking him for help. It is a sign of weakness. It means that I don't have enough faith on my own abilities. I also criticise myself for double standards. When I am successful, I do not remember God and attribute my success only to my own abilities. And when I am in need, then I change track and start believing in God. I really don't know, maybe the hard times I am going through is God's way of reminding me of his presence? But then, didn't I chose these hard times myself? I knew what I was in for when I quit a stable job for starting business.

Is there any use of praying? if I am destined to succeed, then I will. No amount of praying can change the inevitable. But still, I pray when I feel particularly terrified. Why?

Is there a God? And the answer is I don't know. But more importantly - should I believe in the presence of a God? Is it a belief that will make me feel stronger? Or is it a crutch to help me face the storms of life. Is it true what Karl Marx famously said - religion is the opium of the masses. I don't know. But I do know that I am no longer disdainful of people who are religious. There was a time when I used to pity the poor fools who delude themselves into believing that there is a kind and just God and everything that happens in this world is due to his will. But I can empathise better with them. I can understand where this desire to believe in a God stems from.