Where are you?

In a sense, everything I have done in my life till now has been for you. For your love, my perfect soulmate. Every change that happened in me was triggered by you. For your love, I strived to be a better man again and again. I strived to grow and develop to be worthy of you. But I am so tired of striving alone. I want to keep growing, I don’t want to become secure and stop growing. But I also feel so lonely. I feel an acute sense of loss, like I have lost a loved one. Except you were never with me to start with, but still your memory has been with me since forever. I remember you, and have remembered you ever since I became mature.

And yet you remain so elusive. I wonder if I am destined to feel this way forever. Forever trying to find an elusive soulmate. Forever lonely, living in your memory. I have a theory – the thing that you desire the most is the thing that will elude you the most. The moment it stops mattering, it will fall into your lap on its own. So the question is how to get over the feeling of loneliness on my own. I think as long as I am lonely for a soulmate, I will never find her. I will imagine her in every girl I get on talking terms with her, and will hence not be able to really be just good friends to start with.