Hopeless love

While the last piece was a scholarly write-up on love, this one is a very personal experience of love.

I’ve been going to dance classes for more than 4 months now. A girl whom I found very attractive offered me a lift on her own. She saw me walking, and stopped to ask me if I wanted a lift. I was hoping that she would, and I was really quite kicked when she did. She’s an airhostess, and was driving a ford ikon rather confidently. I pretended that I had forgotten her name, and asked her for her name again. Mostly I guess as a comfortable conversation starter. We chit chatted a bit, she went a bit out of her way to drop me. And ever since, I’ve been doing nothing but thinking about her.

I feel like such a dumb immature teenager sometimes. All she did was to offer me a lift, and here I am already thinking of how for our honeymoon she can probably get us air tickets to any place in the world. I’ve been working out detailed scenarios of how I will show her my world, expand her horizons. I’ve been going over scenarios of me cooking lunch for her, showing her my house.

And this is exactly the reason why the thing that I desire the most remains so elusive. Now that I have charted out our whole future together, how can I possibly look at her as just another girl and first try to be just friends. I will never be able to ask her just as a casual friend if she wants to hang out with me. I will just feel too shy and hesitant around her because I have made it into such a big deal. I will read too much into her every move. I will start acting cool so that she doesn’t suspect I feel this way about her, I will feel guilty of having such thoughts about her, overall a pathetic mess.

I have got to get out of this vicious circle!