The story of us
You inspire me to write. Its funny, but I just need one person to get inspired to write.
I don’t know if u noticed, a lot of my previous blogs were also addressed to a single person. Even before I started writing blogs, my previous writings have always been inspired by a woman. The first time I wrote substantially was when I was in final year of college. This was like a 5 page long letter written to the woman I had fallen in love with and remained in love with for 2 years without saying a word of it to her. So u can imagine how bottled up I was feeling, and writing that letter really helped me to express all the feelings and hopes and disappointments and frustrations I had been keeping inside of me. This letter was triggered off by her revealing to me that she’d had a boyfriend all along, and yet she never told me about it even though we were almost best friends. That was a chaotic time for me which also led to a great learning stage. It pushed me out of being satisfied with who I was. It made me want to reinvent myself, made me want to change myself, and there was no better time for it to happen to me cos within months of that I was to join MDI – my MBA institute.
I entered MDI with a deep desire to change, to not continue to be who I was. I was appalled at my lack of assertiveness and I decided not to be so shy in the future. This was also the time when I started smoking. Even though my brother and my close friend had been smoking for ages, I had always felt myself to be above it. I always saw it as a weakness. But at that stage I wanted to rebel. Rebel against the nice guy I was. So smoking was one of the most visible ways to do it. I was still a nice guy, but I did not show it as much.
In MDI my writing skills got honed somewhat, but it was more of writing reports and project and so on. But nonetheless, by the end of MDI I had realised that if I want to, I can write better than the average Joe.
Now comes the second substantive piece of personal writing. This was again a 6-8 pages long letter I wrote at the end of MDI to another woman I had fallen in love with about a year ago. She did not have a boyfriend or anything, but she just did not see me as anything more than a friend. And we were truly best friends. I mean we loved each other like crazy, and would’ve done anything for the other person. But she just did not feel anything romantic or passionate about me. She continues to be my best friend is married to a guy from another community whom she fell in love with and had to really fight it out with her parents to get them to agree to her marriage. Well, coming back to the letter, well, this is a piece of writing I am not too proud. This was a mean, vindictive letter I wrote to her and after I kind of proposed to her for the third time and she turned me down and kind of backed away from the friendship. That was a really painful time. Every time I would see her, I would feel a whole mix of emotions. Love, pain, resentment, ego, longing, despair, so many emotions. And we both made eye contact with each other, but we didn’t talk. Finally after about a month of this silent treatment, I just sat down and wrote out all the emotions that were going on inside me, just vomited them out on paper. And I gave that letter to her without saying anything. And I was freed of those emotions. Its like I’ve written in another blog, writing down your emotions frees you of their hold on you.
She later told me that she read that letter at least a hundred times in the next 7 days, and she cried a lot, and at the end of it she burnt that letter and she also forgave me for it by burning that letter. She is undoubtedly the most generous woman I know. Or at least as far as I’m concerned, she loves me more than one would love family.
Post MDI, after I joined job, somewhere after six months of this I started maintaining a dairy and started writing in it after smoking ganja, which was quite a bit in those days. I also wrote in it whenever I felt frustrated, suffocated or just plain lonely (which was also quite a bit). This was still not serious writing, but I did really love what I wrote, especially post ganja. And I found that writing gave me a great clarity of thought. I would just start writing within a page or two of writing I would get some insights on what I needed to do in life then, in the future. It was almost like I was communicating with my sub-conscious. I just let my mind wander and tried my level best to capture all thoughts coming in it. I think those pages were really good writing, particularly cos the handwriting adds so much more character to the writing. Then the next spurt I got to writing was when I met M.
M was my brother’s friend and I never really found her appealing or anything, even though she’s good looking like a model. I always found her model like looks and f.r.i.e.n.d.s. like behaviour a bit superficial, and hence never found her attractive. But all that changed when she came to live with us for her summer holidays. Needless to say, I fell head over heels in love with her within 2-3 weeks. Now of course this one was also slated to be a case of unrequited love. She had a boyfriend of 4 years, and even if she hadn’t, I don’t think she felt romantic love for me, even though she did love and respect me a lot. Well, she was studying to be a psychologist, and we just hit it off with our thoughts and contemplation about spiritual development, purpose of life, higher goals, etc etc. She was the first person to read my writing and give me feedback on it, and she still does. What was most amazing about that relationship was how she understood me and what I was writing, and how she could respond with views and perspectives which made me look at what I’d written in a completely new light. But most of all, just the fact that she wanted to read what I’d written, and that it moved her so much made me feel real good. That was another creative period when I started writing a lot more cos I wanted her to read it, and I wanted to know how she felt after reading it, how it moved her, her thoughts and opinions on what I’d written.
This was followed by the inevitable heart break maybe six months down the line, and after that my writing again went down to infrequent attempts to write when I was really lonely or frustrated.
Then came this online phase when I started to write online, and this phase u can pretty much follow by reading the blogs so far and noting the time intervals between them.
So that’s pretty much the story of us, that is me and my writing.
I don’t know if u noticed, a lot of my previous blogs were also addressed to a single person. Even before I started writing blogs, my previous writings have always been inspired by a woman. The first time I wrote substantially was when I was in final year of college. This was like a 5 page long letter written to the woman I had fallen in love with and remained in love with for 2 years without saying a word of it to her. So u can imagine how bottled up I was feeling, and writing that letter really helped me to express all the feelings and hopes and disappointments and frustrations I had been keeping inside of me. This letter was triggered off by her revealing to me that she’d had a boyfriend all along, and yet she never told me about it even though we were almost best friends. That was a chaotic time for me which also led to a great learning stage. It pushed me out of being satisfied with who I was. It made me want to reinvent myself, made me want to change myself, and there was no better time for it to happen to me cos within months of that I was to join MDI – my MBA institute.
I entered MDI with a deep desire to change, to not continue to be who I was. I was appalled at my lack of assertiveness and I decided not to be so shy in the future. This was also the time when I started smoking. Even though my brother and my close friend had been smoking for ages, I had always felt myself to be above it. I always saw it as a weakness. But at that stage I wanted to rebel. Rebel against the nice guy I was. So smoking was one of the most visible ways to do it. I was still a nice guy, but I did not show it as much.
In MDI my writing skills got honed somewhat, but it was more of writing reports and project and so on. But nonetheless, by the end of MDI I had realised that if I want to, I can write better than the average Joe.
Now comes the second substantive piece of personal writing. This was again a 6-8 pages long letter I wrote at the end of MDI to another woman I had fallen in love with about a year ago. She did not have a boyfriend or anything, but she just did not see me as anything more than a friend. And we were truly best friends. I mean we loved each other like crazy, and would’ve done anything for the other person. But she just did not feel anything romantic or passionate about me. She continues to be my best friend is married to a guy from another community whom she fell in love with and had to really fight it out with her parents to get them to agree to her marriage. Well, coming back to the letter, well, this is a piece of writing I am not too proud. This was a mean, vindictive letter I wrote to her and after I kind of proposed to her for the third time and she turned me down and kind of backed away from the friendship. That was a really painful time. Every time I would see her, I would feel a whole mix of emotions. Love, pain, resentment, ego, longing, despair, so many emotions. And we both made eye contact with each other, but we didn’t talk. Finally after about a month of this silent treatment, I just sat down and wrote out all the emotions that were going on inside me, just vomited them out on paper. And I gave that letter to her without saying anything. And I was freed of those emotions. Its like I’ve written in another blog, writing down your emotions frees you of their hold on you.
She later told me that she read that letter at least a hundred times in the next 7 days, and she cried a lot, and at the end of it she burnt that letter and she also forgave me for it by burning that letter. She is undoubtedly the most generous woman I know. Or at least as far as I’m concerned, she loves me more than one would love family.
Post MDI, after I joined job, somewhere after six months of this I started maintaining a dairy and started writing in it after smoking ganja, which was quite a bit in those days. I also wrote in it whenever I felt frustrated, suffocated or just plain lonely (which was also quite a bit). This was still not serious writing, but I did really love what I wrote, especially post ganja. And I found that writing gave me a great clarity of thought. I would just start writing within a page or two of writing I would get some insights on what I needed to do in life then, in the future. It was almost like I was communicating with my sub-conscious. I just let my mind wander and tried my level best to capture all thoughts coming in it. I think those pages were really good writing, particularly cos the handwriting adds so much more character to the writing. Then the next spurt I got to writing was when I met M.
M was my brother’s friend and I never really found her appealing or anything, even though she’s good looking like a model. I always found her model like looks and f.r.i.e.n.d.s. like behaviour a bit superficial, and hence never found her attractive. But all that changed when she came to live with us for her summer holidays. Needless to say, I fell head over heels in love with her within 2-3 weeks. Now of course this one was also slated to be a case of unrequited love. She had a boyfriend of 4 years, and even if she hadn’t, I don’t think she felt romantic love for me, even though she did love and respect me a lot. Well, she was studying to be a psychologist, and we just hit it off with our thoughts and contemplation about spiritual development, purpose of life, higher goals, etc etc. She was the first person to read my writing and give me feedback on it, and she still does. What was most amazing about that relationship was how she understood me and what I was writing, and how she could respond with views and perspectives which made me look at what I’d written in a completely new light. But most of all, just the fact that she wanted to read what I’d written, and that it moved her so much made me feel real good. That was another creative period when I started writing a lot more cos I wanted her to read it, and I wanted to know how she felt after reading it, how it moved her, her thoughts and opinions on what I’d written.
This was followed by the inevitable heart break maybe six months down the line, and after that my writing again went down to infrequent attempts to write when I was really lonely or frustrated.
Then came this online phase when I started to write online, and this phase u can pretty much follow by reading the blogs so far and noting the time intervals between them.
So that’s pretty much the story of us, that is me and my writing.
posted by philosopher stoned | 10:48 AM
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