The paradox of choice

We are who we choose to be. But at the same time, we are also enslaved by our past choices. If I chose to do robbery, then I cannot choose to be free of its consequences. The choices we make today restrict our choices of tomorrow. My father chose to concentrate more on career than family, and today he is stuck with a dysfunctional family and he cannot escape the consequence of that choice.

This is a thought that recently struck me, and its been getting stronger and stronger. I saw my grandma, almost a cripple, and unable to be self reliant, and at the same time unwilling to be more independent. She hates being dependent, and yet is unable to break out of it. She is not even willing to phone the chemist to order a medicine for herself. Not willing to phone a restaurant to order some snacks for herself. Always depending on others, and grumbling that others do not care for her. I think who she is today is the result of a pile-up of so many choices of the past, that she just can no longer chose to be any other way. She is bound by the choices of her past.

In the same way I am glad that I did not enter into a matrimonial alliance in a hurry. One might think that it is ok to marry anyone you like, if things don’t turn out well later, then u can always undo it and marry another, but I don’t think it is possible to go back to the same level of choices. A divorced man just cannot have the range of choices that an unmarried man has.

Now that I put it down on paper, it seems like a fairly obvious thing, though when I first thought of it, it seemed like a profound learning. It made me realize that I cannot make choices frivolously, and chose something else later on. A man is bound by the choices he makes. What do you think of the profoundness of it?

False Alarm

I am so upset. Just when I had thought that I was finally going to find some companionship, it turned out to be a false alarm. I met this girl in B’lore through shaadi.com. we had not exchanged any emails her profile write-up was just a two liner with no photos of her, so it was truly a blind date. And I ended up really liking her. And in part, the reason why I liked her so much was cos I seemed to be getting so much positive vibes from her. She was smiling a lot, and had a very pretty smile too. She sounded excited and we had quite a few things in common. She spent 2 hours with me when she’d told me that she could only spend an hour. In the end, we decided to exchange emails and blog ids, and would see how things went from there.

My first thoughts after meeting her – Yes! Yes! I finally found her!

But unfortunately it seems that she was not really that interested in me as I thought. And I just don’t get it. She smiled a lot, I asked her for feedback, and she overall seemed to like me. Her body language was so positive, I was sure things would move forward between us. There was an issue of height, she was more or less as tall as me, and most girls prefer a guy who is taller than them. But damn it she seemed as excited about meeting me as I felt about meeting her!

She has just not answered my emails, and I’ve sent two of em by now. And what’s more, her two line profile on shaadi.com is now a 6-8 liner. Damn!

I think what I need is a paradigm change in my outlook towards women. Just like the paradigm change I had in my outlook towards business, and that paradigm change is helping me to have a better settled business now. I need to change my thoughts about women and life partners and girlfriends. There is obviously something wrong that I am doing. I am not bad looking, and personally I find myself quite good looking. I am considerate, sensitive, loyal, believe in equality of sexes, and what’s more – I even have mother (mere paas maa hai!). Then why am I single despite my best efforts? Its again quite similar to the problem I was facing in business. Despite my intelligence and MBA and focus on quality, my business was still a loss making one. I needed a change in orientation to make it a profit making one. So I wonder what kind of change of orientation in need in this, and more importantly when will I get it? I am so fuckin tired of being alone, of sleeping alone in my bed every night.

A later addition: Well, the second mail had not gone to her, and I sent her a third mail thinking the second had gone. She replied this time, but my tone was all wrong in the mail I’d sent and net net, the relationship has ended.