Calling

Long time no see. Some quick updates: I recently joined bharatmatrimony.com whichis obviously a matrimonial site. And you must be wondering why, after paying for shaadi.com two times without any success why am I doing it again? I guess hope floats. So on it I met an amazing woman. She's a year older than me, but she took the first step and contacted me, and initially I was like, she seems to be a cool babe. She was slim, good features, articulate, intelligent, overall a good package and I responded, and then the next morning, I googled her name and I discovered a TV interview of hers, it seems that she was one of the lawyers who argued the case for repealing section 377 to give freedom to gays. I was blown away! And I have been desperately waiting for her to answer my mails for the last two days. I don't know why, but this babe seems too good to be true. She's passionate, driven, wants to do something big with her life, and besides that she is beautiful and intelligent, and at the same time she also seems vulnerable to me. But I think I am just getting too carried away right now. I think I am writing this post in the hope that she will read it and come to know how deeply she has affected me.

Why am I getting so desperate? Where has my equanimity and Mr. cool guy image gone? Why am I not able to take this thing as casually as I do with most other things? Hell, I am ot so desperate for a college contract, and I actually need that more badly in my life right now than marriage, but I guess I am more desperate to get married.

I really wish and hope that she is the one. I so badly want to be with someone who is driven by a desire to do more than just make money nad live comfortably. Someone who values my drive to do more. Someone socially consciouss, someone who is not dead to the world around us. She calls herself a movie fanatic, and that also excites me a lot. Oh I can already imagine life with her.

Damn, I need to get out of this desperation. I know it for a fact that as long as I am needy for love, I will never get it. As long as I am looking for a woman to complete me, I will always be incomplete. And the worst thing is that some day this post might be read by another woman who is not she, and then how would she feel?

And one last thing, why did I cal th posting the calling. Its because I was wondering, did she choose human rights as her calling? and that got me thinking, did I choose English training as my calling? And to be honest, I didn't. It was more a case of it chooosing me rather than the other way around. And I think that is the case in most cases. Our calling chooses us rather than we choosing it. Was it the case with MK Gandhi also?