my neediness!

I need a woman so bad! Today again I was hugged by M, and she felt so amazing in my arms – her curvy fleshy body against my chest, her arms around me, my arms around her, needless to say I got a hard-on!

But damn it I miss the physical intimacy of being with a woman so much. Why can’t I get a woman? I’ve become fairly attractive now, what more do I need to do? Why can’t life be simple like it was when I met P – we just met, spark flew, and on first night itself we were holding and rubbing and caressing each other. I somehow think that the only way I am ever gonna be able to get a woman will be in a similar situation. But the question is how do I end up in a situation like that? I hate going to parties, and I don’t have the money to spend on going out to pubs discos etc, and I fucking can’t even afford a shaadi.com membership. I’ve gotta do something or I’ll go crazy. I think a paid shaadi membership seems like a good way forward. Lemme see how I can manage that.

Why I cannot be your friend.

Every time I hug a woman or have physical contact with her, I get a hard on. And that, my dear friends, sums up the reason why at least at this stage of life I cannot be friends with a woman. I remember once when I was probably just entering puberty (class 11/12) a large family gathering (including NRI relatives) had gone out to eat. There was of course not enough space in the car and an NRI cousin (female obviously!) sat on my lap for the duration of the trip, and well, wouldn’t you know it – I got a hard on. At that time I thought that that NRI cousin also had a similar reaction cos she wanted the same seating arrangement on the way back, but that was probably my overactive imagination thinking that.

And then there’s ‘I’. We haven’t been friends for some time now, but when we were, we used to hug a lot and generally were quite comfortable physically. Though I did not get as many hard ons with her, cos a lot of my time with her was spent when I was already in a relationship, so I think at that stage it was under control. But even with her I remember the time we spent together pre-relationship, and I do remember quite a few hard ons.

Then there was the farewell given to me by ‘M’. She’d been living with us for 2 months, and that was her last day there. She hugged me for almost 2-3 minutes, and at the end of the hug I was woozy n light headed, and u guessed it, I had a hard on too! Of course at that stage I was also in love with M, so the hard on is more understandable.

The only exception I can think of this rule is B. She’s a woman I’ve always been good friends with without any sexual thoughts entering the relationship at all. Maybe that could be because I don’t find her sexually attractive. If she was a sexy woman, chances are that the same thing would’ve happened there also. These days C has also crossed over to a place of friends only. I cannot under any circumstances think of her in a sexual way now, even though I was once head over heels in love with her. I think that is probably cos she’s married, and well, there’s a finality to marriage. It means no more hope for you, you can only be a friend or nothing at all now. So maybe that could be the reason. But then she’s also managed our friendship with so much honesty and commitment that she has managed to bring me up to this level.

My whole point of writing this rather boring piece is basically to convey to any woman I might be friendly with currently, that I cannot be your friend. I don’t have it in me right now to be a true friend. You are for me a woman I want to sleep with, and obviously that won’t work in a friendship.