Hear me sing

I heard a song by John Denver in which he says something like “I just want to be with someone who will hear me sing.” I think that’s pretty much how I feel too about my future soulmate. Someone who will hear me sing – singing not in the literal sense, but the self expression sense. Singing is his way of self expression. My way is writing, and maybe taking photos?

So will u hear me sing?

Touch me!

All I can think of is hitting the road again tonight. I just want to get lost in the road. I have an image of an long endless road with just darkness in front of me and darkness behind me. I have an image of just running without stopping on this road. The constant breaths, my heart pumping blood to my entire body, my legs moving like parts of a beautifully oiled machine, my hair flying in the wind behind me.

I just cannot talk to people sometimes. I just can’t say a word. And I don’t even feel the need to say anything, because the only thing that matters to me is touch. I want to be touched. I want to touch. Touch is the ultimate symbol of intimacy. The way u touch another person is what really shows intimacy. And I just cannot be intimate with anyone I haven’t touched.

I so long for someone to touch. I dream of waking up to the touch of her. Of waking in the middle of the night and touching her to make sure that it is not a dream.

Hit the road.

Yesterday for the first time I ran on the road, and it was really amazing. My steps felt lighter, and time just flew. While normally I look at my watch at least ten times during the run, I hardly felt the need to see my watch yesterday.

I think I am in love with the road. For some reason, I’ve always felt a special connection with the road. Right from my biking days, I used to love being on the road. I don’t know what it is, but there is nothing as soothing as an endless stretch of a well maintained road with greenery on either side. It just puts my mind into another plane. I frequently find that when I reach office, I have no idea what I was thinking of on the road. My mind was just at some other plane.

I think I see life like a road. And the purpose is not to reach someplace, but to enjoy the road. That is why I enjoy being on the road. I feel like I am living life in the here and now.

Sometimes on the road of life, you meet some companions who will travel with you, sometimes u r running alone. Sometimes the road is good, sometimes the road is rough. When the road is good, enjoy it. When the road is rough, keep going in the belief that the next stretch will be smooth.

I think that is also a good way of selecting a life partner. Select someone who is going in the same direction as you are – someone who has the same destination. And also chose some who is going in the same speed as you are. Speed in terms of learning speed. If u learn and evolve too fast, u will always find yourself looking behind you for your companion.

“the race is long. Sometimes you are ahead, and sometimes you are behind. But in the end, you are only running against yourself.”

The religion that Nanak founded.

I want to be in love. I need to be in love. Without it, my insides feel hollow. Things seem more mundane and meaningless. My feet drag heavily through the day. Or maybe that is because I have started jogging??

Well, anyway the point is that I need to be in love to feel complete. Does it make me feel bad? Well, not really. I’m ok with being this way. And actually if I wasn’t, then I would have changed myself by now.

My biggest idol, the great Gandhi was also a married man with a pretty active sex life at my age. Guru Nanak was also married. Some of these religions attract me so much. Sikhism for example is a very attractive religion.

I made this observation when I was just a kid – a sikh never begs. You will never find a sikh beggar. They will do some work or the other, but they will not beg. I think this a very solid work ethics that they have.

I was also inspired by Nanak’s philosophy of being in the world and yet being a Godman. He used to work in his fields, he was married and had a family. That is so inspiring. And that is where the sikh work ethics comes from. And being a sikh is a life of a strong commitment. It is so easy to just cut off your hair. It takes effort to maintain long hair and wear a turban on it every single day. So only a person who has that level of commitment to the values of the religion will continue as a sikh. So maybe folks who turn to begging cut off their hair.

I also like the sikh custom of doing seva (service). You find so many Sikhs putting up a pandal to feed the thirsty. Money is not the done way of giving to your religion. The religion asks for your time.

I love my cooking!

I just died and went to heaven!

That is pretty much what I feel most of the times I eat a meal cooked by me. Now I am not saying that I am the worlds best chef or something, but I do love what I cook so very much. In my one year of cooking experience, I've discovered that there are some basic principles of making tasty nutritious food, and I will ennumerate them below.

1. Good Ingredients: If you are starting your cooking with good ingredients, then more than half your battle is already won. You must know how to select the best ingredients and they must be fresh. I just had a bhindi and dal meal, and the reason why the bhindi was so fucking amazing was cos I just selected the bhindi myself an hour ago.

2. Good equipment: This is not necessary for the taste part of it, but will reatly help in the nutrition part. Using non-stickware means u r using a lot less oil to get the same end result. And also u must have a good pressure cooker. Again very useful if u want to slow cook something. Besides the food part, good equipment also acts as a positive motivator for the cook. Bhindi is something that normally takes a lot of oil for it to be tasty, but I think I must have made it in half that oil.

3. Eat fresh: Anything that was cooked the previous day, or even 3-4 hours ago does not taste as good as when it is fresh.

4. Oil/Fat: Now this is a common misconception that oil/fat is bad for the body. But the truth is that he body needs oil/fat, and if u don't have the required quantity, u will feel a lot of hunger pangs. Fat is what makes these hunger pangs go away. Now the other thing to remember is that different types of dishes taste good with different types of oil. Ghee is a must for Dal, and a lot of other gravy items. Mustard oil is good with bhindi, and also non-veg. Butter is good for stir fried veggies. Fish also tastes good made in butter. Olive oil is good for salads which are to make a meal.

well, now that u know the basic principles, go out and explore and I'll write some more on this another day, another time.

Take care,

aaaaaaarrrggghhhh!

I don't even know if u read this anymore or not. I just feel so bottled up and so badly want to shout!

Do u really care for me? Am I a sympathy fuck and a lift-me-up for you? I know what I'm talking about cos I also do it. At times a girl finds me v attractive, but I don't find her attractive. Well, u know what I do? I encourage her. Why do I encourage her? I think its cos I am needy and want feel the appreciation and awe she has for me. It makes me feel good. But each time I have a sustained interaction with her, I realise that she is not the one for me, and end of each encounter I feel less needy for her. I find her less desirable at the end of it. But in a little while - maybe a day or maybe more, I want to feel her love and appreciation again. And so I keep encouraging her. Its a horrible thing to do a girl. And I think I'm probably doing it right now to a girl. Damn! I am a horrible person! And I can't stop myself from doing it. Just for that short span feeling good that it gives me. Its like a food craving. You just go and stuff yourself full of something cos it is a good lift-me-up and u crave the taste of it on your tongue. At the end u feel stuffed and repentent, but u will still go back to it and again feel the same way. Its a terrible addiction. And one that seems so difficult to cure.

U know there is a student in my class and I find her incredibly hot. She's dark and fine and has luscious long hair. She doesn't have an ounce of fat on her, and I find that so hot! She's got attitude too. She just attracts attention towards her without being loud or brashful.

Movies n me.

Tomorrow is Saturday, which is my weekly off and is also the day that I go to Delhi and watch the new releases of the week.

I love movies and cannot wait to see what kind of movies I am going to watch tomorrow. I am like a child who receives a surprise gift and cannot wait to open it to see what it contains. I just cannot wait to watch a movie to see what it contains.

I like all types of movies. I like fast paced action thrillers. I like romantic movies. I like comedies, though don't like mindless comedies. I like thrillers. I like movies on life. (what is that genre called? where would u place movies like forrest gump? AI? The Hours?)

But the movies that have really touched me off late have typically been movies centered on women. One of the best movies I have seen this year is called Trans America. It was such a painful and yet such a brilliant movie to watch. It starred felicity Huffman who plays a leading role in desperate housewives, and is actually quite good looking in the show.

The movie was about a man who was on the verge of undergoing a sex change operation to become a woman. He was already like a woman in all his mannerisms and appearance, but he still had his dick. And so convincing was this portrayal that while watching the movie, I actually thought that this is a male actor(I don't watch TV shows). The slip in mannerisms, the voice, the body language, and the plain ugliness of the woman convinced me that this was a male actor trying to look like a woman (a la mrs doubtfire). It was only later that I found out that it was female actor, and it just made me marvel at how amazingly well she portrayed such a complex character. It made me appreciate the movie much more. What I cannot understand is why she did not get the Oscar? That blond winner of this year cannot hold a candle to this woman's talent as an actor.

But besides felecity's acting, the other reasons why I loved this movie was again because it was such a human movie about a human being's longings and weaknesses and desires without being judgemental about it at all. The neediness of the woman, her pain, her unfulfilled desires and dreams, her hopes - all of it was so honestly and beautifully portrayed. I just loved it for its intimacy with its subject. That is actually what I really look for in a movie. Intimacy with its subject.

Sufi Music

well, now that my missing muse is back, I am also back in action. I've been really listening to a lot of sufi music and I'm in fact listening to it as I type, and I really want to tell her how it makes me feel and why I like it so much.

Well, I think what appeals to me most about it is that it basically an expression of love and longing. It is not love and longing for a person, but for the supreme being. Sample this "I am a beggar to meet you" "you are my only one" and God is frequently reffered to as one's lover. You can hear the anguish and longing in the voice for meeting allah.

Besides this, I also like the use of tablas in it - I am a big tabla fan. My fingers start automatically playing the tabla when I hear a good song. I in fact hear the tabla more than the words of the song. I think that is another reason why I like sufi music - even the voice is used like a percussion instrument. And the clapping also.

The best Sufi musicians are Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan and Abida Parveen. There was a phase when I used to listen to a lot of Abida, but I am currently on a Nusrat phase. I don't understand why, but my musical loves are very phase driven. There was a phase when I was totally into Doors. Then came the Pink Floyd phase and I was in it forever. And then came Santana for a short while. And now it is Nusrat. I just want to hear Nusrat day and night. And even at office my fingers and tapping the rythm of the tabla in his song. I am just completely obsessed with Sufi music for the time being. Wonder if it is good or bad?

u know, this peice is not very inspired, but I think I've become a bit rusty. Might take a blog or two to get back in form. Incidentally I've started jogging, and I just cannot stop raving about it cos it makes me feel so good! just love the rush of oxygen, the straining of my leg muscles, the increase of my heart rate. And when it is over, I am left with such an amazing high. Almost like sex! And it seems that I've lost interest in reading fiction for the time being. Am in the middle of such a god book, but don't feel like reading it!