More thoughts on Energy

I can now see the business in terms of the energy paradigm that Celestine prophecy talks of. It says that human beings are constantly competing for energy from each other, and hence our control dramas to get energy from the other person. And at times we also give it willingly when we feel love towards one another. But the problem is this that we are frequently incomplete halves and when we combine, we form a whole entity, but with two heads. And the inevitable control problems arise as to who will control the body.

I was like that with both of my friends, I completed an energy circle with both of them and gave and received energy from both of them, but unfortunately it was me with each of them, and they did not feel this way about each other. When we were together, I completed the circle connecting them to each other, but they would never complete the circle without me. And hence there was possibly a problem of competition for the same source. While nothing competitive really happened between, they are both too good of a human beings to really play politics, but the team ultimately split. I think the reason for this was because I was living closer to friend 1 and spending more time with friend 1 and that left the friend 2 feeling let out and un-included in the energy circle, and hence he left us.

Later with just me and friend no1, we inevitably started having a subtle struggle to control the direction of the energy circle. I envisaged a different direction in the long term, and I think he envisaged something different. So eventually we also split. And I think the only reason why I am able to stay here alone without receiving much energy from any human source is because of the energy I get from the environment here. I end up giving out a lot of energy to my students, though I think I get back a lot of energy from them as well. This is what makes me so receptive about the class – I can sense where there is no energy flowing. And me not sleeping before my evening classes does lead to this – a lack of flow in my evening classes. So I should sleep now. Bye!

My pursuit of Truth

I've tried out a lot things in my pursuit of the truth, and Landmark forum was the very first. One of my dad's friend's son (long chain! - but I guess that is what he was in my life for) had a transformational experience at the forum and hence I decided to do it. Another friend who had also done the forum told me that it was a great way to meet good chicks :)) So I did it. It was pretty good - the whole concept of it, and the trainer was really a powerful fellow, and it did offer me a new way of looking at things, but the problem was the same that I felt in all my future spiritual pursuits also. The guru (or the forum leader) did not seem to have reached enlightenment himself. He was a bit preachy, and I discovered that he had his own rackets (a landmark term for the psychological control games we play) that he was playing with us. I wrote about it also at that time (5 years ago) but don't think I have that with me right now.

I have also done reiki, Art of Living, and a course on hypnosis. In Reiki there was the same problem, that even though the concept of Reiki was really great, the guru again seemed to have double standards, he was a bit of a show off about his powers, and a bit preachy.

The Hypnosis guru was truly a showman. Everything was to dazzle and amaze, and it seemed that his own understanding of hypnosis was at a superficial or tactical level. But again he showed me the power of the mind and the potential learning from hypnosis.

Art of living is the only exception. I am sure that Sri Sri Ravi Shankar is a truly enlightened person and would probably be a great guru. But I've never had a chance to even see him face to face. The trainer we had in our course was also quite good and seemes quite spiritually evolved. And I guess my experience with art of living was really powerful - the sudarshan kriya really put me into a trance-like state that I have never even experineced with Ganja.

On my wish list is doing a 10 day Vipassana meditation course run by someone called Goenka in McLeod Gunj in himachal pradesh. The course requires you to not speak for the entire ten days and sounds like quite an intense experience. I also want to experience more of Buddhism and Buddhist meditation.

But I guess what I am really seeking is a true guru. Someone who will recognise the potential in me and guide me to achieve it. The system is really not important to me. For me Reiki was connected to hypnosis which was connected to art of living and landmark. All of them talk of similar truths in different forms. What matters most is the guru.

Control Dramas

The Celestine prophecy talks of four types of control dramas that we do in order to get energy from others. What energy you ask? Well, a simple of looking at it would be in terms of attention or love or interest from others, which is basically a form of energy.

The four dramas are: Interrogator, Aggressor, Aloof, and Poor me.

Interrogator gets energy by interrogating the person in order to find flaws and undermine his position and make him dependent. The aggressor gets the energy by dominating the person and forcing him to give all his attention to the aggressor. The aloof gets energy by maintaining a distance from the person to make the person pursue him, and the Poor-me gets energy by making the person feel sympathy for him.

When I first read this, I thought none of this applies to me, but now by observing my behaviour in my personal life, I have discovered that I am an Aloof. I just do not encourage any contact with any of my neighbours. I have a whole shitload of girls from a college which has made some apartments here as its college, and yet I do nothing to try and interact with them, except to run in front of them, cycle in front of them, and generally show off in subtle ways. But never initiate contact or encourage them to initiate contact. It is pathetic! When I first came here some neighbours took some interest, and tried to get me to visit them and be friends, and I just spurned their offer, and maintained my distance from them to the extent that we hardly say hi-hello. A guy moved into the appt below me, keeps asking me to visit, to spend time with him (he is very lonely here) and I spurn him also. I don’t like it when he comes to visit me either. But then that is because whenever he comes to meet me, he just uses me to unload his frustrations. Or so it seems to me.

My father played the Aloof drama, and I can see the terrible consequences of that. I and my brother are not really that close to him, though we still love him. There is the wall of aloofness between us, so we are not really frank with him. We fear his disapproval even though he never stops us from doing anything. In case of my mother, her drama is poor-me. In her case her drama works most of the time, and we always tend to support her in any family fights. While with my father the problem is that we are not frank with him, the problem with my mother is a lack of respect. How can one respect someone who does not respect herself? Or at least that’s how my thinking goes.

But the big question is what do I do now? How do I get rid of this aloofness? How do I start mixing with people and become a part of their world and make them a part of mine?

Thoughts on Celestine Prophecy

You ought to read this blog only if you have read The Celestine Prophecy. I’ve jotted my experiences and thoughts while reading that book here.

Third Insight

I had started reading the Celestine Prophecy more than 3 years ago. A friend I was very inspired by recommended it to me and also recommended reiki to me. I did reiki first and read the book later. Because I had done resiki, I could instantly relate with the third insight of energy fields. I felt the energy fields when I did reiki, and I also experienced the mental morning alarm. The master made us put reiki morning alarm, and sure enough next day I was woken up by a phone call from a friend at 7 in the morning. Mere coincidence? I did not think so. I was truly amazed by the prospect of energy fields around our body and how we can manipulate them and heal them. I never followed up on them actively, for some reason I left reiki at that point of having received the understanding of energy fields.

I had taken this book with me to McLeod gunj, which is a hill station near Dharamshala, and is probably my favourite place in the hills so far. I read the book till the fourth or fifth insight, which is as far as I got there. And then I never got back to reading it again once I came back to life in the plains. I guess I did not want to waste the insights by reading them in a position when I would not be able to really grasp them. Recently I met S online who was deeply influenced by the book and inspired me also to read it, and I started reading the book again. I've re-read up to the third insight so far. I think this gap in reading it was meant to happen. I was probably not ready for the other insights, and I am probably ready for them now, and S came along at just the right time to guide me towards the other insights.

Fourth Insight

Well, I've just finished the fourth insight. I was reminded of the last time I met the friend who recommended this book to me. That day I felt so good after meeting her, and now I realise that it was probably because she was voluntarily giving me her energy. She wanted answers, she considered me to be very wise and wanted to listen to my theories on life etc.

I have always believed in vibes that exist in a place. I always felt that my family house in delhi had a lot of negative energy about it. It was a place that always made me feel passive and unsure. On the other hand, the very first time I came to Greater Noida (a suburb of Delhi) I fell in love with the place. I just felt so good here, so positive. I think there is a very strong positive energy field here that makes me feel so good. My life has changed so drastically for the better in the one year that I have lived here, I think it is only because of the energy I get from this place.

There are times when I meet some people and I just don't like spending time with them, I just get turned off from them. I think it because they are trying to feed off my energy, and I sense it at a subconscious level.

Whenever I am sexually or romantically attracted to a woman, that woman always reciprocates, though unfortunately it is most times a reciprocal in the form of friendship, but there is a reciprocal. I think they sense the energy I send out to them, and want more of it.

Why was I born to my parents?

My father is the most intelligent and logical person I know. He boasts of a time when he proved that a question given in his maths paper was wrong, and the professor was so impressed with him that he gave him extra marks for it. He got 105 out of 100 in that paper. He then went on to engineering from BITS Pilani, one of the top institutes of the country.

He is also one of the most hedonistic person I know. He will not get up from his sofa for even a glass of water, but will ask his wife or servant to get it. Not to say that he is lazy, because he is quite an energetic person, but he’s just that way at home. My dad is also a bit insecure, and hence has some aggression coming from that.

My mother on the other hand is not that sharp in the logic/mathematics department, but she has excellent verbal skills. She has very good people skills, and she is the one who is called on to resolve any disputes or fights that arise in the house. My grandmother specialises in having a major fight with her maids at least once every six months, but my mom manages to resolve the issue most of the times. She is also a very body oriented person. She shows her emotions very physically, looks after her body, and in fact I would say she specialises in what is nowadays called wellness. My mom is also quite sacrificing, and more often than not will put others before herself.

But what was their purpose of life? Possibly for my dad it is to make a lot of money so that he can indulge every fancy of his post retirement. Money is important for my dad. For my mom, possibly balance is what she wants the most. Balance in work-family life, balance in diet, balance in friendship…

But I am still not fully clear why exactly was I born to my parents.

The Eighth Insight

I have now understood why I did not read Celestine prophecy further the first time around. Now is when I am truly ready to understand and appreciate the eight insight. I am an incomplete circle, a C. And I am desperately looking to complete the circle by finding another C, a female C to compliment my male C. And that is why I am so fucking desperate right now. That is why I am searching for intimacy like crazy – I want the energy source of a female C, and it doesn’t really matter too much who it is. I think this problem has been compounded by the lack of any female energy source whatsoever like my mom, grandmom etc. This is probably also the reason why I start connecting (speaking in terms of energy) with every eligible single woman in my classes. I am desperately seeking the female energy.

This also explains the a lot about my past relationships also. With P (ex-girlfriend), we were both incomplete C’s desperately looking to complete ourselves, and we found the other half in each other. This is why we loved being naked in each other’s arms. That was how our energies really connected best with each other, that was when we really completed the circle. And that I what I am seeking now – someone to complete the circle.

With my one-sided love relationships, there I was again providing energy to the woman, and that is why the woman always got close to me and we became emotionally intimate. That was how we were feeding each other energy. But perhaps the women knew intuitively that I was an incomplete circle and would eventually destroy the love between us, and so they never got in a relationship with me.

Now the big question is how do I make myself a complete circle, how do I tap into my own female energy source? How do I become self sufficient?