Eklavya

Man! I have already learned so much from this girl. Look at the previous blog – so many insights and learnings. And many of the last 10 blogs are insightful blogs. All these blogs were written with her as my inspiritation.

Now I know that she will say “how does this make me your teacher? I didn’t have any active role in your learning. You learned all these things on our own. These are your own insights, and none of this was told by me to you.”

To this I say – remember Eklavya. He took Dronacharya (henceforth referred to as The Dude) to be his guru, even though The Dude refused to teach him. So what did Ekalavya do? He made an idol of The dude and took him to be his guru and started practising under the watchful eye of his guru. And under this so called guidance he became more accomplished and skilled than any of The Dude’s own students, including Arjuna et al. One day The Dude happened to be walking in the jungle and he saw Ekalavya and was amazed by his skill. Then he asked him who is your guru, and Ekalavya replied “Dude, you are my guru.” And showed him the idol that he had made. Realising that this boy could easily outshine his own students The Dude then asked Ekalavya for Guru Dakshina (something akin to tuition fees, but a much bigger deal). And as his guru dakshina, he asked him for his left (or maybe right – I forget which one, and it doesn’t really matter) thumb. This would leave Ekalavya a cripple with only half of his marksmanship still remaining with him, and yet Ekalavya readily agreed. Without a moment’s hesitation, he took out his knife, cut off his thumb and presented it to The Dude.

So why did I go into such a lengthy aside? Well, it was pretty good wasn’t it? This is what happens when u write under the influence. You tend to get lost in your asides. So anyway, my rather long and elaborate point is simply this – even though you do not see yourself as my guru, I do. Same as Ekalavya did. You were the inspiration for my learning, which is really the most important thing.

Ganja,

Well, I am writing this post ganja, so this should prove to be an interesting blog for all you wannabe social scientists ;-)

Well, lot of insights but no desire to write about them. How strange!

I am still missing her, but I don’t want to. So that is what I have been thinking about. And got a couple of good ideas about that.

First – I can’t really be in love with her. True Love is not when u love someone because that person is so wonderful and perfect. True Love is when u love someone in spite of all their weaknesses and flaws. So how can I really be in love with her when I don’t even know what she does when she gets turned off, when she gets angry, when she gets hurt… so many things I don’t know about her.

Second – if she really likes me then one mistake or wrong statement from my part will not cause her to leave. If that were so, then I would sooner than later make a mistake and she would leave me immediately after that, and so in a way its good if she leaves sooner than later.

Third – I got to get back into the civilised world. I have been withdrawing from people like anything, and hence I become so needy the moment I think I have spotted ‘the one’! We all are needy, and its perfectly ok to have friends because you are needy. I think at the end of the day you are also satisfying your needs and they are also satisfying their needs. So it’s a win-win situation, why should I shun it? Right now all my need is focused on one person and it has become like a laser and is bound to end up scaring away anyone who comes close.

Love hurts

U know, she had told me that I present myself like an open house in which anyone can walk in the front door and walkout the back door whenever they feel like it, and that I should hold back some place and not let people do that. Well, she was right. And she has now walked out the back door like so many others!!!

And it hurts. Feels so bad. Makes me feel like such an immature juvenile teenager! Falling in love with someone I've never even met, and then feeling heartbroken less than 10 days later - its just too ... I don't know whats the word for it... like a girl who falls in love the moment a man shows her any interest which drives away the man leaving the girl sobbing and cursing herself, only till the next man shows some interest in her.

I am even worse than that girl. I think I need to make myself love myself more. I need to realise that the only person who can fill the loneliness in my life is me, and I think till I don't stop feeling so lonely, love will continue to elude me.

I have got to stop feeling this way. I have got to stop feeling so incomplete. But the worst thing is I don't know how. How do I stop feeling so lonely? Why am I so lonely? What do I do? This is driving me crazy. I just keep thinking that when I find that special someone, my life will become full of joy and more meaningful, that I will no longer feel sad and lonely, but I think that loneliness is an intrinsic part and there isn't anyone who can make it go away.

So am I doomed to feel lonely for the rest of my life? Is there no hope for me? I think it is this very loneliness and desperation that drove her away. And I'm so afraid that this neediness will continue to drive away any woman who shows any interest in me. I need help! This is the problem with being so intelligent. It is so difficult to be helped by anyone who is not as intelligent as u. And believe me, She could have helped me so much cos of her intelligence. That is what makes me regret this so much more. That she was just so perfect for me- how will I find someone like her again?

And the truth shall set u free…

I don’t know where this saying originated from, and I don’t know what was the intention of person who said it, but I have discovered a powerful truth in this saying.

I previously wrote a blog on my fears of falling in love with Her. And then u know what happened – those fears lost their hold on me and I let myself fall for Her. Its not that those fears went away, but I had acknowledged them and faced up to them and that somehow made them powerless. Those things that I talked about are as likely to happen as ever, but I am not afraid of them happening. I am willing to face them should they happen.

In the previous blog I wrote about my need for Her which was basically a manifestation of my fear of loosing Her. And u know what – this fear has lost its hold on me. I suddenly feel lighter, as if a great burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I now know that I fear losing Her and that has somehow made that fear powerless. Accepting the truth about my fears has somehow set me free of those fears. I no longer feel that neediness, or feel crippled because of my fear of losing Her.

So the truth shall indeed set you free. Accept your fears. Acknowledge your fears. Articulate your fears. And you shall be set free of your fears. And writing is one really good way of doing that - of accepting the truth of your fears. So I think I am actually writing this more for me than for any audience that might be reading it.

Life is a roller coaster, just gotta ride it!

We’re getting closer, and yet I am just as unsure as I ever was about her feelings for me. I so badly want her to want me the way I want her. I want her to need me the way I need her. I know that it will the best experience of my life if she chooses to give herself to me. But I am so unsure about her feelings right now.

Yesterday was strange. On the one hand it felt good that she had developed enough comfort and confidence in me to cry in front of me, and yet I also felt bad cos she was so much in love with him, and she was mourning so much for him. It was so painful to see her hurt and not being able to do anything about it. Will I be able to give her the happiness that she deserves? Will I ever be able to fill the void that he has created? Will I ever be able to make her feel as special as he did? Will she ever love me as much? I am so afraid that he will want to come back into her life and then I will have no standing, no position in her life.

How can she just take control of my emotions so completely? I think it is because I want her to. I so badly want to give myself to somebody. I am so tired of fighting alone. I want a partner. I want someone to look after, and be looked after by. I want someone to make my life warm and intimate and meaningful. Why do I feel that my life is not full without a woman? Why must I be so needy?

And while I am truly going through a roller coaster ride, I think it is better to feel all this conflict of emotions and mix of pain and joy rather than not feel anything. So for that I am grateful to her for bringing up all these emotions.

This just struck me - what do u think about me writing all my feelings on such a public forum? Does it turn u off? I know u won't ask me to stop, but does it make u even a little bit uncomfortable?

Woman Lover?

Why is it that so many people respond with raised eyebrows to the title of my blog – confessions of a woman lover?

If a person says that he is an animal lover, then he is seen with respect for his selflessness and love for a noble cause.

If a person says that he loves children, then he is automatically seen as good parent/teacher material and as a kind and gentle soul.

If a person says he is an art lover, then he is seen as a intellectual and highly refined/evolved person.

So why is it that a person who loves women is automatically seen as a dirty/perverted/horny/desperate guy?

Case in point being Kushwant Singh. I think even that guy loves women and is quite open and honest about it, and what do we think of him – a dirty old man!

I love women not because I want to fuck every beautiful woman, but because I truly feel that a woman is one of God’s greatest creation. She is truly God’s gift to mankind. The aesthetics of a woman are what inspires the greatest art (think Monalisa!). A woman can cause the destruction of an entire kingdom (Helen of troy). I think that the only real reason why a man is competitive and creative and aggressive is for a woman. I personally don’t think money per se matters that much to a man, but I think most men know it at a sub conscious level that it is important to have enough money to attract woman. Not to say that a woman wants money from a man, but then in a society where man is supposed to be the bread earner, the woman has no choice but to rely on the man’s wealth to fulfil all her needs and her children’s needs, and to make her feel financially secure.

So what do I love about women? Well, I love the sensitivity of a woman. I love the softness of a woman. Only a woman can smoothen the rough edges of life. No matter how well I maintain my house, I think only a woman can make it warm and fill it with love. I love the effect that a woman can have on a man. Put a woman in a room full of men, and automatically the men become softer, their voices become more mellow, they become more kind, courteous, and maybe even shy. I love the way a woman looks at a man she loves. I love the way a woman can say so much with just her eyes. I love the shape of a woman’s body. I think it is the most beautiful shape I have ever seen. The long neck line, the valley of her breasts, the rounded stomach going down to her pubic hair, the v between her legs, the flared hips, the soft smooth legs… I feel like I am in heaven in the arms of a naked woman who loves me!

This blog just did not come from the heart. I had been thinking about writing this blog for days, and right now it was a very thought out and deliberate process of writing the blog. Unlike the previous blog of making love to nature which just came out spontaneously. It is just so difficult to write from the heart. Sometimes you are lucky and the words just flow from within, and the hands struggle to keep up with the flow of thoughts, and sometimes u have no choice but to stop and think after every sentence "ok, what am I going to write next?" So my dear reader, tell me if this effected the quality of this blog.

Making love to Nature

Greater Noida experiences nature in all its fury and beauty. Of particularly strong nature are the wind and rain storms here. A rain storm starts slow and mellow. Kind of like a woman just stirring from bed. Just a light cool breeze is all you can feel. Then she stretched herself, and you can feel a slightly stronger wind which makes the dust go around in circles, but doesn’t really pick it up. Then slowly the gentle breezes get stronger and stronger. And all this happens in a span of less than 5 minutes. And believe me, it is truly a gift to be able to experience this happen in front of you. In five minutes time that woman has started moaning and gently moving about the bed as her lover expertly kisses her body and stimulates her. At this stage the wind is picking up the dust and the loose paper. Then she gets wet, and u can feel just a drop or two of rain on your arms. And then it gets wilder and wilder. The wind goes up to speeds of more than 80km per hour. Now her lover has entered her and she is bucking and thrusting and going crazy. The wind is whipping up like crazy. It picks up anything and everything in its path. And then the woman lashes out and hits the glass next to her. It falls and shatters, but she doesn’t care because she is too consumed by her own passions. The wind now gets violent. Temporary structures get torn up and thrown aside. Windows fly open and glasses shatter. Branches of trees get torn out. Trees get uprooted. But the wind doesn’t care. And then the woman starts coming, and the rain starts falling in full force. And the rain feels like bullets on your skin. And standing out in the rain is the lone man, the lover who feels the rain surround him, like the lover who feels the woman constrict and pulse and throb all around his dick, and yet he remains still.

(The storm begins!)

And it is in a rainstorm like this that I dream of making love to you outside on the roof my building. Just our naked bodies and the nature making love all around us. And I can feel the coldness of the rain and at the same time the warmth of your body. I can feel the cold water on my back, on my hair, and I can feel the warm wetness of you on my erection. And as the rain drenches our bodies, I drench you with my kisses, I feel your hands all over me, and now slowly I enter you and we become one with the nature around us. Oh the ecstasy of the coldness of the rain and the warmth of being inside you, of your mouth on mine, my tongue in your mouth, your tongue in my mouth… it makes me lose my mind just thinking about it!

I can’t wait to possess you!

Joy and Sorrow

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.


More of Kahlil Gibran on Joy and Sorrow. This is taken from 'The Prophet'. Possibily most influential work. I love his use of anologies - the was he compares joy and sorrow with a wone glass, a lute, scales of a balance. This is something that I try to incorporate in my writing as well - the use of anologies to create pictures.

Her

There is so much that I want to say about Her. To start with, I can't believe that I've managed to meet someone like Her. I can't believe that she also likes me. I can't believe that we have so many of the same preferences. I like to hold, and she likes to be held. I like to sleep naked, and so does she. She likes to listen more than talk, and so do I. And I think both of us love to fuck.

And yet both of us are different enough to be complementary. She likes to be in charge of things, of running the house or her place of work, and I hate doing that. I like to cook, and she likes to be cooked for. I'm guessing she will be good at managing money, which is again something I hate. But the thing which attracted me most to her is that she is so deliciously complicated. I could spend years trying to understand her, and I think there's a lot I can learn from her.

The way I see her is so different from when I first started talking to her. And her interaction with me has also changed from that time. When we first started chatting, I saw her a bubbly 21 yr old who was also quite naughty and horny. During those chats she was flirting with me more, trying to convince me that she liked me. Unfortunately that situation has changed now. Though I know that she likes me, but she doesn't really express it directly.

Now here's the most amazing part that ought to convince you how much I've fallen for her. After my blog on my fears about entering into a relationship with Her, she showed me her photo. And to be honest at the risk of being hurtful, I did not find her v attractive. Now there's a bit of history to this photo thing. I was also chatting with a female thru shaadi.com. Now we were also going on the same track - both of us wanted to enter into a relationship, and both of us were quite excited that we might have found that special someone in the other person. And again we reached the stage where she showed me her photo. I did not find her attractive, and that pretty much ended our relationship there. While I did not hold looks to be that important, but somehow things just unraveled after that. I suddenly realized that she was not the type of person that I desired, even though we had a lot many common likes/interests. Again we both were quite horny which I think is always a sure shot way of bonding any relationship, but I don't think there was a lot for me to learn from her. And funnily this realization happened after I saw her photo. I wonder if it got me back to my senses and made me realize the illusion I was seeing, or if it caused a new set of illusions. What if she was good looking? Would I have been writing the same things right now?

So anyways coming back to Her, I thought that maybe the same thing will happen here also. And I even told her that our next conversation will be after 2 days, so that I would have some time away to think if the attraction I was feeling for was also just an illusion like before. But well, u know what, the next day I ended up fantasizing about exploring her body, about kissing her dark chocolaty skin! And I could not wait for the 2 days to talk to her. I wanted to let her know immediately how attractive I found her. How I longed for her. I just had to talk to Her, I missed her voice like a drug addict misses his fix.

And now I know u will read this. Well, I feel scared that u might get hurt at what I've written. I feel scared that u might judge me to be a superficial bastard not worthy of you. But I hope u will instead see me as a very human guy, who is trying his best to be honest about his human frailties and failings to you so that u don't get hurt in the future.

My fears

U know why I am scared?

I am scared that I am falling in love with you. I am scared of that because falling in love is so hard on knees ;-)

But seriously, falling in love brings with it so mane expectations and the consequent hurts. And I am more afraid of getting hurt with you.

I am afraid that of desertion. I am afraid that I will not be able to keep you satisfied, and that u will go to other men for getting what u might not be getting from me.

I am afraid that you will let other men dominate and prevail on you for sexual favours.

I am afraid that I will not measure up to your standards of what you want from your man, and possibly what u have been getting from men.

I am afraid that you might damage my fragile male ego. I am afraid of being vulnerable in front of you.

I am afraid that you might do to me what I did to Priyanka. You might be entering this relationship because of your neediness/loneliness and not because of love for me, and then what happens when the needs stop being so urgent?

I am also afraid that what if we meet and I don’t like the way u look? Even though I tell myself that physical appearance does not matter, but I do find myself getting turned off by certain women because of their physical appearance.

But seriously, the biggest thing that these fears mean is that I am getting attached to you and hence I am afraid of loosing you. And this itself reassures me that I am on the right path. Its like the reassuring bitterness of cough medicine which tells you that soon this medicine will get to work on your body and will make u whole and complete again.

Sorrow

When My Sorrow Was Born

When my Sorrow was born I nursed it with care, and watched over it with loving tenderness.

And my Sorrow grew like all living things, strong and beautiful and full of wondrous delights.

And we loved one another, my Sorrow and I, and we loved the world about us; for Sorrow had a kindly heart and mine was kindly with Sorrow.

And when we conversed, my Sorrow and I, our days were winged and our nights were girdled with dreams; for Sorrow had an eloquent tongue, and mine was eloquent with Sorrow.

And when we sang together, my Sorrow and I, our neighbours sat at their windows and listened; for our songs were deep as the sea and our melodies were full of strange memories.

And when we walked together, my Sorrow and I, people gazed at us with gentle eyes and whispered in words of exceeding sweetness. And there were those who looked with envy upon us, for Sorrow was a noble thing and I was proud with Sorrow.

But my Sorrow died, like all living things, and alone I am left to muse and ponder.

And now when I speak my words fall heavily upon my ears.

And when I sing my songs my neighbours come not to listen.

And when I walk the streets no one looks at me.

Only in my sleep I hear voices saying in pity, "See, there lies the man whose Sorrow is dead."

And When my Joy was Born

And when my Joy was born, I held it in my arms and stood on the house-top shouting, "Come ye, my neighbours, come and see, for Joy this day is born unto me. Come and behold this gladsome thing that laugheth in the sun."

But none of my neighbours came to look upon my Joy, and great was my astonishment.

And every day for seven moons I proclaimed my Joy from the house-top-and yet no one heeded me. And my Joy and I were alone, unsought and unvisited.

Then my Joy grew pale and weary because no other heart but mine held its loveliness and no other lips kissed its lips.

Then my Joy died of isolation.

And now I only remember my dead Joy in remembering my dead Sorrow. But memory is an autumn leaf that murmurs a while in the wind and then is heard no more.

These poems by Kahlil Gibran have greatly influenced the way I see joy and sorrow. Why do we try to avoid sorrow? It can be such a beautiful thing, it can give us so much depth, so much intensity. Any man who has not experienced deep sorrow cannot truly experience deep joy. To quote a character from the movie vanilla sky - "without the bitter, the sweet ain't so sweet". To me, feeling sorrow is proof that I am still alive, that I am still human, that I am still capable of loving and feeling, because without love there can be no sorrow.

Intellectual whore

I read this term in this really funny website that I discovered through orkut. Read it here to know more about it.

Yesterday I again ended up being an intellectual whore of a woman. So bad was it that she was actually calling her boyfriend from her cell while on the phone with me, and that after I had been convinced that we were both attracted to each other and I was on the good ladder (read the site!) with her. Damn!

Well, she will probably read this blog, so let me address her also.

You know, I really appreciate your honesty with me. You told me straight out which ladder I was on without any round about explanations, and that I admire about you.

But I am just not in the market for friends right now. I have a lot of friends, and they really love me very much. In fact the only reason why my business is still afloat is because of their financial support in my times of need. But I am still v lonely. What I want at this stage of life is a woman to share life with. And not a woman who is a friend alone. I also need physical intimacy (more on that in another blog). I don’t know why I am so needy, but right now I am.

So basically a girlfriend is the only thing that can alleviate my loneliness right now. And talking to you will just make me lonelier. It’s like a hungry man standing outside a bakery with all the delicious smells of the food wafting out to him, but he cannot eat any of it. It will just drive him crazy with hunger.

“To deny our impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human” - The Matrix.

Gibbrish?

I remember reading a book (I think it was by Anne Tyler) in which the protagonist says that Gibran was the spiritual guide of her generation, and she wonders who is the spiritual guide of the current generation. Well, I guess the spiritual guide of our generation would probably be Paul Coehlo. Almost everyone I know has read him and has been influenced by him. Its funny how each generation finds its own spiritual guru. Twenty years from now our kids will probably not understand what the fuss about Coehlo was all about, and they would probably have their own spiritual guru for their generation.

Which brings me to a very important concept that I’ve been thinking about – is there something inherent inside a person which makes him a hero to a whole generation, or is the result of circumstances and his becoming a hero was inevitable given the playing out of events and circumstances?

Was a Gandhi inevitable, and he just happened to be named Mohandas? Did the circumstances of Mohandas’s life make it inevitable for him to emerge as the mahatma, and had there been anyone else in his place, then would he have also become a mahatma?

Well, there is one way to reconcile the two views. If I walk into a room and see three equally long lines, I can then do two things – a. choose any line and stand in it. Or b. try to determine the fastest moving line and get on it. Now in the second one, I am choosing what circumstances I wish to place myself in, in order to have the fastest progression.

Similarly it was no coincidence that Mohandas was born in the family he was born in, and he was born at the time when he was born. He chose his birth in such a way that it ensured his progression to the level of a mahatma.

Does this make sense? This blog I’m afraid was written in two instalments, and I think it might not have a coherent point, or proper structure. Please give me your feedback on the same.

Letter to my soulmate

Dear Whoever,

I am tired. Tired, tired, tired. I’ve searched for you everywhere – from the busy streets of the city to the deserted pathways of the himalyas. From crowded market places to isolated valleys. From outrageous parties to online communities. But I still haven’t found you. Or maybe I’ve already seen you, but haven’t recogonised you.

Where r u? I need you – you hear me – I need you. This is the time when u should be next to me, and instead here I am left alone trudging through this life, from morning to evening, from Monday to Friday. I’ve had all the learning I could get alone. I need you to come be my teacher now. I need you to teach me to feel happije, to cry, to be sensitive.

Please find me soon,
Yours forever and more,

Many lives, one master.

You know if u r only reading this blog without meeting me, you will probably think of me as quite an introspective person. A very serious type. Very intellectual rather than physical. Well, you'll be seeing me in a different way than people who see more of me offline.

People who have known me since school days see me as a shy chilled out person who's a bit conservative n boring. People who know me from college also know me as somewhat shy, but they see me as a rebel - someone who's unconventional and daring. And also as someone intelligent. People who know me from my MBA, see me as a motivated person with a lot of interest in extra-currics, and good organisational and leadership skills. And also intelligent, though not as much as my college friends.

Well the truth is that I am all of these, and much more than that. I am leading all these lives at the same time and all of them are me and yet none of them are me in totality. Its like the 8 blind men who try to doscover what an elephant looks like. All these people see me with respect to my relationship with them, and who I was at the time we got together. With a lucky few I have managed to move out of the person I was earlier and become a new person with them who is more in tune with me now. I think those are the friends who will stay with me for a life time.

So what is the point of this blog? Well, its basically to tell you that this is not the real me that u r getting acquianted with. This is just the blogger in me, who is not at all like say the lover in me or the child in me or the father in me.

Speaking of which, I am really eager to discover the father in me. Will I be as perfect a dad as I imagine myself to be? Will I be my childs best friend, will I be able to give him enough space for him to learn on his own, and yet not isolate him?

Well, there are many more lives that I will live through the different me's, but they will all have the same master - me.

Now this last line was a deliberate effort on my part to give this blog a good ending. Dear reader, please tell me if it was a good way to end this blog or if I can end it better.

Orkut

This is an absolutely amazing community I discovered online.

You see, for the last one month I have been desperately searching for mates online(Not necessarily a soulmate, but just someone to hold n touch n caress...). I started with Shaadi.com - which I must tell u is pretty good. It requires payment for u to really make it work for u, but then that's the price u pay for quality.

I then moved on in search of free options and I discovered Indian friend finder. This is also a pretty good site and I got some response from it, but it has a lot of dead/inactive members in it. Then someone told me about orkut.

Orkut is owned by google and like gmail, one needs an invite to open an orkut account. I had never heard of orkut before, so I was a bit sceptical. But when I got access to the site, I was shocked. It was like there exists a whole different reality that I did not even know exists. This site is as close as it gets to real life communities. Discovering this site was actually like disocvering a whole new city underneath your present city. Like u peel back the cover and u suddenly see a whole buzz of activity, of people going about in their busy lives - meeting, chatting, dating, flirting - quite like suddenly discovering a colony of busy ants.

The future potential of this site is truly mind boggling - this site will only grow and I can only imagine the grip that google will have on the internet economy some years from now. In fact I think most people on this site will prefer it to real world. And I think this is going to be the next big thing after blogging. But the only issue is the lack of competition in this domain - or maybe there is competition and I just don't know about it.

So do u want to know what the Orkut is?

Unfortunatley you cannot be told what the Orkut is. You have to see it for yourself ;-)